5 ways ADHD can affect your romantic relationships
ADHD can make relationships more complicated. But a little understanding and planning can make a big difference. Check out these tips to help you navigate common ADHD relationship challenges.
All relationships have challenges. Some are simple. You’re a fan of reality TV, and your partner is totally against it. Other times, problem-solving isn’t as easy as taking turns for who gets to pick what’s streaming. And when ADHD is in the mix, finding compromises can feel even harder.
Understanding how ADHD can affect relationships can be a big help. Here are five ways your ADHD might show up in your relationship — and how to troubleshoot if you’re feeling stuck.
1. Dividing chores may require more planning.
Chores are no one’s favorite thing. But for people with ADHD, tasks like cleaning the house or doing laundry can be extra difficult. And that can cause problems. In relationships, one partner may get frustrated if tasks go unfinished. Or they may feel resentful if it seems like they’re doing most of the work.
It’s not that you aren’t trying or that your partner with ADHD just loves messes. ADHD can make tasks feel overwhelming. ADHD affects the brain’s ability to perform executive functions. These skills help us plan, prioritize, organize, and more. You may find it hard to focus on tasks, switch from one chore to another, or remember what you have to get done.1 It’s understandable. But it means couples need to be intentional about discussing who does what — and how it gets done.
Talk about how you can divide chores and make each other feel appreciated. You don’t have to split tasks 50/50. Instead, try splitting chores up by strengths. Maybe you’re great at laundry. Or your partner is happy doing the dishes. Making a list of what needs to get done and posting it somewhere visible, like on the fridge, can help. It’s also important to make time to rest and recharge.
“We have to think about arranging this list in a way that both people have comparable time to rest, to recreate, to do what they want, to not feel like they have to jump up off the couch every three seconds,” said KC Davis, author of How to Keep House While Drowning, on the Understood podcast Sorry, I Missed This.
Just because you have ADHD doesn’t mean your way of tackling tasks is wrong. It just means you need a little more planning and communication.
2. Communication can be hard.
What if communication is the hard part? Everyone communicates differently, but ADHD can make things a bit tougher.
People with ADHD often have difficulty paying attention, listening, reading social cues, and remembering plans.2 This may make your partner feel like you don’t care about them — when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
On Understood’s ADHD Aha! podcast, Dani Donovan, creator of The Anti-Planner: How to Get Sh*t Done When You Don’t Feel Like It, discussed how her communication style doesn’t always match that of other people.
“I assume that everybody is honest all of the time, and if something was bothering them, they would tell me because if something is bothering me, I tell people,” Donovan said. “I wear my heart on my sleeve, and other people don’t. So, that was a hard lesson I had to learn.”
Being open about your struggles can help. Let your partner know if it’s hard to focus during conversations. “I want to listen, but it’s hard for me.” That way you can work together to figure out the best ways to talk, ask for help, and make plans.
Signs that ADHD symptoms are affecting your relationshipPDF - 373.0 KB
3. Reassurance and encouragement are key.
Women with ADHD often struggle with self-esteem.3 And ADHD can make managing your emotions tougher. You may need more reassurance in relationships. Your partner may think they’re showing love by making coffee every morning. But your brain may need to hear “I love you” to know they care. And if you tend to hyperfocus on tasks and your partner feels ignored, they may need for you to be more upfront with your love for them.
“Like real intimacy, real communication between partners comes when you get rid of that idea that, ‘If you loved me, you would know,’” said certified ADHD sex educator and mental health advocate Cate Osborn on the ADHD Aha! podcast. “You are allowed to advocate for your own needs. You are allowed to look at your partner and say, ‘I need you to tell me you love me every day before you leave for work. It is really important that I hear those words of validation.’”
4. Your behaviors may not always make sense to each other.
If you have ADHD — and your partner doesn’t — it can be extra hard to understand each other sometimes. Some of the symptoms of ADHD, like hyperactivity or disorganization, can be confusing for people who don’t have them.4
Max Willey, a video producer who has ADHD, described ADHD as a “glorious curse” on the ADHD Aha! podcast.
“It’s glorious in that you can see the potential of who you can be, or even just things that light your heart on fire. Brings out the best in you,” Willey said. “But at the same time, it’s like trying to sprint up a mountain with a ball and chain.”
Trying to be open with your partner about how ADHD affects you can help them understand your behaviors. This is easier said than done. Willey found that small acts are important for maintaining relationships: “Sometimes it just needs to be showing up … sending them a funny meme or GIF and saying, ‘Hey, what’s up?’ These little things, they count more than the gigantic, titanic, Herculean efforts. And with that, it’s very liberating.”
5. Sex can be a challenge — but it doesn’t have to be!
ADHD symptoms can create some unexpected challenges when it comes to intimacy.5
As with so much in relationships, having honest conversations can help. Talking about your intimacy needs can feel scary. But remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect. And it shouldn’t be just one conversation. Intimacy takes time. Keep the discussion going — try to be open with each other and take it from there.
Sometimes it’s as simple as offering a map. “It’s OK to show your partner on your own body how you like to be touched, how you enjoy being touched,” says Cate Osborn. “It is OK to look at your partner and say, ‘I have sensory issues, and I really don’t enjoy kissing, but here are some other things we can do instead.’”
Orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal. Focus on connection. Physical intimacy includes head scratches, back rubs, cuddling, and more. Keep talking about it.
“It can be imperfect, it can be clunky, it can be awkward, it can be weird and uncomfortable,” Osborn said. “But … that moment of vulnerability in which you really look at your partner and you give them the gift of telling them what you need, what you want, what you like, giving them that information in order to support you, in order to really give you the opportunity to be loved and appreciated and cherished in the way that you need — isn’t it worth that conversation?”
ADHD can create unique challenges in relationships. You and your partner may have to work a bit harder on how you make plans, divide chores, communicate, and show love. Being vulnerable can be intimidating. The good news? Honest communication can help you and your partner keep building, even if that building isn’t always neat.
