I’m a 36-year-old with ADHD. Here’s what I do when imposter syndrome creeps in.

Dee, 36, is a New York City–based editor by day and a chronic overthinker by night (but also by day). She received her ADHD diagnosis when she was 30. In this edition of “The ADHDiaries,” Dee juggles a busy workweek, dog-sitting, and a game of Monopoly with a new friend. 

Day 1

7:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. Noooo. I begrudgingly get out of bed and shuffle across the room to turn off my phone alarm. At least it’s almost the weekend? I head over to the bathroom and start getting ready to go into the office for work. Lately, I’ve been reserving my in-office days for the “heavy lift” work. I find body doubling helps, and I always feel better after a wildly productive day in the office. Not to mention I’m dog-sitting my sister’s pup, which adds another layer of distraction at home. Thank god my husband can take over dog duties today. I finish getting ready and catch the train by seconds.

9:07 a.m. Coffee time. Given that I’m unmedicated, iced coffee is my saving grace for getting things done. It must be a mental thing, because I have sadly switched to decaf for health reasons. Still, somehow it really helps me get in the zone. And I can use all the help I get today. I know it’s going to be a long one. I grab my iced Americano via express pickup and trek on to the office.

10:55 a.m. Whew. I’m finally coming up for air after finalizing an important project for work. My hyperfocus, when it’s on, it’s on. But the speed at which I can get things done leaves much to be desired. Often, I go back and forth wondering if it truly is ADHD or just a “me” problem. By nature, I know my brain works differently. But it sucks sometimes to know that it slows me down when time is of the essence. It feels like I’m fighting against gravity. But I want to give myself grace. While I can’t control my brain, I can control the way I treat myself. My therapist reminds me regularly to be mindful of my self-talk.

12:00–1:00 p.m. OK, where did the time go? Honestly, an hour goes by so quickly at this job. To anyone else it might seem like a blessing to have your workday fly by. But as an ADHDer, it feels like a curse. The agony of not getting everything done that I want to — and beating myself up about it when I haven’t checked more than three things off my to-do list — is real. Speaking of which, to-do lists are incredibly necessary and helpful (when I remember to use them).

1:25 p.m. Lunchtime! Brainstorm meeting at 2 p.m., so I need to make this break a quick one. My manager is out, and I feel a little sick to my stomach about running this meeting. But that’s just my imposter syndrome talking as usual. That not-enoughness feeling is even more common for ADHDers. We’re already working at a “deficit” (by society’s standards), so the sense of insecurity just doubles down. I quote “deficit” since there truly is nothing wrong with our brains; our neurotypical-centered society just makes us think that there is. I know I sound like a Debbie Downer, but I’m working on embracing my quirks rather than seeing them as a problem. I wish our world would do the same.

2:00–3:00 p.m. OK, that went a lot better than expected. The best piece of confidence advice I ever received was to “act as if” whenever you feel insecure. Act as if you’re a badass boss. Act as if you have a decade’s worth of experience (because you do). Act as if your insights are valuable, appreciated, and necessary (because they are). Sometimes faking confidence is the best way to make it work — and I think it worked well for me in this meeting. I also have social anxiety disorder, but at least I no longer actively avoid public speaking situations like these. Sure, it’s still a bit uncomfortable, but not nearly as rough as it used to be. Thanks to antidepressants, I can now go on with my day a little lighter than I was before.

5:00–6:30 p.m. I seldom go anywhere after work, let alone by myself. It would take a lot to drag me off my comfy couch during the workweek, but I booked a solo ticket to see one of my new favorite artists at Central Park. Music is worth getting me out of my comfort zone. Fortunately, I have earplugs to help me tune out the external noise — because it’s LOUD here. My sound sensitivity is so intense lately that I can't leave home without them, just in case.

10:08 p.m. What a phenomenal show. I’m now on a musical high, heading back home. Despite the fact that my skin was literally sticking to my jumpsuit from the unforgiving humidity, the performances made it worthwhile. Don’t get me wrong — the jury’s still out on whether I’ll go to another show again alone. Yeah, maybe not an outdoor concert in the dead of a heatwave.

Day 2

8:30 a.m. Alarm goes off. I hit snooze. Another half hour won’t hurt. It’s Friday, after all. I work from home today, which means an enthusiastic YES to sleeping in and a NO for my focus levels.

10:07 a.m.–12:25 p.m. I feel like I’ve barely done any work since I logged on. Let’s see, I reviewed some emails, had a call with a prospective writer…. And yeah, that’s about it. Luckily, there isn’t anything too pressing to get done today. Fridays are usually chill days for my team. But I hate that feeling of wanting to do everything and yet not being able to do anything.

I wish I could just turn my brain on hyperdrive during go-time and then turn it off after work. But alas, none of the ADHD medications I’ve ever taken have given me the effect I’m looking for. Instead, I feel too laser-focused in a weird, wired way. And then I lie awake at night regurgitating all of the events that transpired that day — as well as from the past five years. So I choose to go the more natural route: checklists, supplements, an iced decaf/matcha, and some low-fi house music. Lately, it’s been hit or miss. 

1:08 p.m. I’m not getting anywhere, and these WhatsApp group chats aren’t doing me any favors. I decide to take a lunch break to refocus and barter with myself to get back into gear. I think I’ll get some help from Focusmate, as it’s truly saved my day in the past.

5:50 p.m. Phew. OK, I think I’m good to log off now. Despite getting carried away with more WhatsApp group chats, puppy shenanigans, and random asides from my husband, I managed to get in an hour or so of solid, deep work. My earbuds came in clutch — and thankfully, it’s the end of the week. I shut my laptop. 

I wonder if I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself to have full, productive days all the time. Luckily, when I’m done with work for the day, I am actually done. I won’t check my work emails unless I absolutely have to. I do a good job of fully disconnecting from my work when the day is done. Sometimes, too good. To the point where doing anything else after a long day feels like a chore. It amazes me how people can work on passion projects or have side hustles. 

But having ADHD means making peace with the fact that my mental capacity will hit its peak faster than most. I have to play with the cards I was dealt. But I digress, I’m rambling now. It’s dinnertime.

7:10 p.m.–10:30 p.m. Love Island. Cuddling with the pup. Spending time with the hubby. Friday nights are my time to veg out completely, order some takeout, and relax. The older I get, the more I cherish this time to unwind. I love being able to just shut the world out for a minute, throw on a brain-rotting show, and have some cuddle therapy. I get flack from my friends for watching trashy reality TV, but sometimes it’s just what the doctor ordered. And by doctor, I mean my body.

10:39 p.m. Yeah, I think that’s enough brain rot for one night. I take the dog out to pee before I put him to bed and head upstairs for the night. Upstairs, I have my bedroom, where the only thing I do is sleep, read, and sometimes cozy game. I try to keep doom-scrolling to a minimum in the bedroom so my circadian rhythm and brain don’t get thrown off and mistake it as a space for stimulation. My sleep is sacred to me. It’s important that I can rest and function properly the next day. My brain and body need that rest, and I thank myself that I’ve created an environment that reflects something of a sensory deprivation chamber in my new home. I book my favorite dance class for the next morning before I shower and do my nighttime skincare routine. 

1:30 a.m. Well... that was the plan. In reality, I stayed up to watch yet another episode. Wow, I really had to stop myself from watching even more. These dang addictive shows. Now it’s time for sleep. Good night!

Day 3

9:50 a.m. Sleeping in feels amazing, especially when I have a pretty low-key weekend ahead. While I love making plans to catch up with friends, nothing beats staying in at least one weekend a month without any agenda. Plus, I need to catch up on laundry. I’ve had a load sitting in the washer since last weekend that I keep telling myself I need to take out but forget to. 

11:45 a.m. Whew, that was a tough class, yet oddly quick. I am incredibly lucky to have found a fitness studio I enjoy going to that’s less than a five-minute walk away. Working out is always a drag for me, but my dance classes are always so much fun and a boon for my ADHD. It never feels like I’m working out, which is my type of exercise to a tee. The natural drugs that my brain produces are what I wish could sustain me throughout the day, every day. Endorphins and dopamine are what ADHD dreams are made of. I’m ready to take on the day!

12:55 p.m. Just kidding. I’ve been on my phone now for an hour. Ugh! Time to eat and put that laundry load in the dryer once and for all.

2:50 p.m. I made myself a delish pesto, egg, and hash brown sandwich and coffee, hopped in the shower, and am now cuddling with the dog on the couch. And yes, I finally threw my laundry in the dryer while adding another load to the wash. A new friend I made in town is coming over in a bit to say hi to the pup. I’m really happy to have made a friend who lives super close by. We can relate to each other culturally, are in the same life stage, and are relatively on the same wavelength personality-wise. It’s hard for ADHDers to make friends who stick, for various reasons, so I’m hoping this one does. I really like her, but I haven’t yet disclosed to her my diagnosis. Though it’s become increasingly common to identify as neurodivergent, there’s always a risk that someone will treat you differently as a result. I don’t want to be treated with kid gloves.

4:00–7:24 p.m. My friend came over and chatted for a bit. She invited me to come over later tonight for game night, which I agreed to. After having dinner out with my husband, I head over to my friend’s house. This is the first time I’m meeting her hubby, so hopefully I can make a good first impression. I’d love it if we could have semi-regular double dates together.

8:00–10:00 p.m. After a very long round of Monopoly with my friend and her hubby, and then two more episodes of Love Island, I’m ready for bed. I could feel my ADHD traits popping up during Monopoly. I wonder if they saw past my attempts to mask them: the inconsistent train of thought, the persistent “Is it my turn?” questions, the inability to juggle a conversation and play my turn simultaneously…. Sigh. I’ll tell them eventually — just like I’ll eventually fold my last load of laundry.